Crabsalad 6/6


Fic on AO3

Sometimes, I wonder.

I wonder if the world’s just playing a prank on me.

It sure seems like it.

I mean, god damn it.

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Crabsalad 4/6

((Who’s willing to count how many times the word “fucking” was said in this chapter? I fucking dare you, haha))

((Also, you should read from the top. I changed a few things. The whole chapter is a lot nicer now))


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Crabsalad 4-2/?

((delaying Crabsalad again. Posting another part of the fic as a tease for tomorrow, WHEN I’M SURE I’LL POST THE END OF THIS. I JUST KNOW IT. HHNG))

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Crabsalad 4-1/?

((I find it hard to write porn when I’m almost falling face first into the keyboard. I will, however, post the beginning of the 4th chapter, if only to maintain my promise that I’d post it tonight. I’ll finish it tomorrow, double promise))

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Crabsalad 3/6

((can’t handle all this fluff awww yeaaah))

((expect some decent smut from this point onward))


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Crabsalad 2/6

((here’s the second chapter, four times longer than the first one. Expect smut the next chapter))


Summary: Suddenly, the more than famous sentence “I’m not a homosexual” made a whole lot more sense to me, as the growing heat on my face and neck slowly started spreading down to, uh… “unwanted places”. Maybe “bisexual” was more like it. And if I were to stretch things out just a little more, “Karkat-sexual” was probaly a good option as well.

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Crabsalad 1/6

((Guys. Are you tired yet of my John/Karkat fanfics? I SURE HOPE NOT becase there are about three more coming out fresh from the oven after this one. Anyway, this is based on, well, crabsalad. I don’t know how else to explain. Maybe you should just click and check for yourselves, eh? Careful, it’s NSFW))


Summary: Suddenly, the more than famous sentence “I’m not a homosexual” made a whole lot more sense to me, as the growing heat on my face and neck slowly started spreading down to, uh… “unwanted places”. Maybe “bisexual” was more like it. And if I were to stretch things out just a little more, “Karkat-sexual” was probaly a good option as well.

Never mind that they were saying something. Never mind that it was probably something important, too, and that I should be probably paying attention. As of that moment onwards, my brain had finally fried. Fried like one of Sollux’s computers after one of his psychonic rage fits. Fried like a McDonalds potato chip. Fried as a deep fried thing could be after being deep fried yet again, probably on its way to the boiling oil for a third time, completely gone down the useless path a really long time ago and with no intention of returning anytime soon.

Or at least that’s how it felt like for me.

As I sat there in my computer chair, turned away from my computer screen to look at Karkat and Sollux standing in the middle of the room, I could see that everyone was doing the same, but unlike me, they were probably paying some close attention to what my boyfriend and his best geek friend were trying to explain to us. I think they were even asking a few questions too, but I couldn’t really tell. Somehow, it was like my ears gave up of his basic functions to my eyes so they could actually see things better, because holy. Fucking. Shit.

Here’s the situation at hand. There were six troll girls standing in the middle of Sollux’s computer lab, a place that very intentionally was built to resemble the meteor’s lab where we were all stranded in while playing the game. But these girls weren’t Fef, or Aradia, or even Nepeta. They were all a fucking identical and perfect copy of the six remaining male trolls that somehow appeared in our new world because of some sort of shenanigans that Karkat and Sollux were trying to explain. Truth to be told, I didn’t really care just how they showed up at our doorstep; I simply knew they did, and it was good enough for me. But there was one girl, only one fucking girl, that caught my eye the very second I glanced at her from my seat, and the sight nearly made me fall on my back too, chair and everything.

 The nubby horned troll girl stood along with the five others, and she was right in front of Karkat, who was a whole head taller than her. She was glancing around, at everything and everyone, looking very shy and annoyed, only it was the kind of annoyance that was always plastered across Karkat’s face. This made my heart skip a beat, and that’s when my brain started melting, dripping down my ears and all. And she was pulling to the hem of her shirt too, looking extremely nervous, which was totally comprehensible and fuck anyone who would ever tell her to stop doing that, god, and the way she tugged to the black fabric, so cute, with her palms and somehow mindful of her own sharp claws made me get the feel that she’d ruin the edge of her clothes if only she tried tugging just a tad harder. The stretched fabric made her narrow waist kind of disappear too, though not completely since the shirt was very thigh on her body as opposed to the baggy ones Karkat used to wear, but it sure made her breasts a lot more evident and oh my god John don’t look at her breasts what the ever loving fuck are you even doing, jesus.

I think I must have whimpered right then, and I’m pretty sure I flinched too, because the girl turned her head around to finally look at me, her bright red and yellow eyes meeting with mine as if they were two magnets finally noticing each other’s presence. Immediately, I widened my eyes, knowing that my mouth was still hanging open, and felt a deep blush spreading across my face to the tip of my ears. She kind of did the same, too, furrowing her brows as if to look even more annoyed than before, and glared at me with a faint red shade to her cheeks.

Suddenly, in that half a second that it took us to talk to each other silently with our eyes, the more than famous sentence “I’m not a homosexual” made a whole lot more sense to me, as the growing heat on my face and neck slowly started spreading down to, uh… “unwanted places”.

Maybe “bisexual” was more like it.

And if I were to stretch things out just a little more, “Karkat-sexual” was probably a good option as well.

“-got to be kidding me, John! John, for fuck’s sake, will you stop fucking staring and just pay attention to what I’m saying already?!”

“Huh?!” I blurted out, not able to make out any coherent words at all, and I turned my head up from where I was almost drooling at Karkat’s female self – and no, I swear I wasn’t looking at her breasts, I just glanced at them for a second, honestly! –, and looked at him. Actually, no; I looked at them both. Now that my vision wasn’t completely focused on her, I could actually see them, the exact opposite of each other and the same goddamn thing all at once. There we had Karkat, with his strong arms that faintly showed his muscles beneath his tough grey skin, his slim torso with just a hint of a thin waist behind the abs that he developed after so many years of training with his sickles, and then there was girl Karkat, with soft little arms, so fragile that it looked like I could break them just by bending them the wrong way, hips so wide I could only wonder how soft and squishy they must feel, legs long and naked from the knees down, showing off the perfectly delicate muscles and her small ankles. And their hair, oh my god, their black, shiny hair were exactly the same. Hers were just as messy, and maybe, maybe just a tad longer, but it was barely noticeable.

The way Karkat stood confident and tall behind her, was the same fucking way she stood in front of him, clearly in a futile attempt of trying to appear taller than him; the way he had both hands upon each of her tiny shoulders made them look like they were standing as one, which was exactly it too, and the way she hugged herself, a tight grip on her naked arms, glaring at me the exact same way Karkat was doing right now, both eroding me with their looks as if they were trying real hard to burn a big hole through my “think pan”. She was like a clone of him gone wrong and completely and utterly right at the same time, and fuck, fuck, fuck!, this is BAD. This is bad, this is bad, this is absolutely worse than bad, this is terrible and oh my fucking god there it is, Karkat  is talking again, most probably with me too since he’s still looking at me as if I was the world’s biggest jackass right now, and I probably was, but fuck if I knew what he was saying because, at that moment, my brain wasn’t just completely melted after being deep fried and then seasoned and fixed upon a plate, all ready to be served on the dinner table for everyone to enjoy; it had declared itself officially dead to me, gone and gone and fucking gone, but not before it made a very vague promise of never coming back again.

Immediately after its brief announcement, my dick raised from his imaginary seat, where he was just watching as my mind and body argued with one another, where he had patiently waited for the right moment to jump in and take the lead on this whole situation, and proclaimed itself the new ruler of my body before good sense had a chance to even process what just happened.

Good for you, little man. Good for you.